I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
