Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
