You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
