So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
