I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
