Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
