So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
