So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
