In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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