a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize