Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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