Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
