she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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