i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
