Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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