but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize