Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
