Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
