we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
