Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize