the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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