We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
