I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
