The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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