these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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