I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
