After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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