I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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