i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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