I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
