I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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