For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
