Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
