So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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