Kareoke will never be a sober sport
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize