I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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