my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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