if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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