I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Green mimosas i think yes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
