Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
