dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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