My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
