I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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