Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
