Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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