This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
