my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
