Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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