she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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