dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
