Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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