She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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