I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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