dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
