I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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