i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm passing your future prison.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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