Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
