When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
