have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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