Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize