I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
