dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
